#BEYONDGRATEFUL

This week and the past few weeks have been so overwhelming.

When I think about the story that you have pieced together for me and my heart, I can only cry tears of utmost happiness. You continue to prove You exist. You are real. You are my one and only God. You have been so faithful to Your promises – those which I do not even know exist until they are materialized in concrete sentences I can read and reflect upon.

You continue to prove that sometimes, my heart must be fragmented into tiny, fragile pieces so that I can realize that only You can make my heart whole and complete. I may be broken but it is not through anyone’s fleeting affection, attention and affirmation will I ever become complete – only You can fill those parts of me desperate for, and seeking for my worth. 

Sometimes, following You is such a struggle. I am so tempted to do things my own way but then You prove that Your amazing plan for me is so much better – more than anything in this world that I have ever imagined – and when you prove me wrong, it’s just absolutely precious. Thank you for always doing that – thank you for always reminding me that You are who You promise You are.  I love you, forever!

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There are three images in my mind..  First, woman that I should be, second is the woman that I want to be and lastly, the woman that God has made me to be. They’re all fused into this one person.

The problem is that getting there is so hard. Getting there with the right people by my side is hard because I don’t know who’s to trust anymore. I don’t know if putting my heart in someone else’s hands is safe anymore, because they just take it and squeeze it, until it stops beating..

And I don’t think, that I can take it anymore because I am so tired.

I’m tired and I want love.

 

(Haaay PMS!)

To give and not to count the cost

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For those who know me, you know my love of travel and adventure. I believe there is so much more that I can see, discover, learn and re-lean outside the four walls of my comfort zone. For quite some time now, I am setting a part of my salary for my travel funds because I want explore the world when I still have the time, energy and resources. Last week, my mom and I are talking when she casually shared me about the financial struggle of someone who is close to our heart. Upon hearing it, my heart is swelling and before my mind can process her sharing, I heard my heart say, “Girl, you have a spare money to share.”

To be honest, I was taken aback because it is not my obligation to give. That money is reserved for something else and I feel like my mind, my body and my soul needs a vacation plus the fact that I am planning that out-of-the-country vacation since the beginning of the year. My mind is telling my heart that, “I feel like I am generous enough. I always give more than what is needed, now why bother to give up your travel funds?” and something like, “But I need that vacation, doesn’t God know that? If he does, why is He asking me to do this?”.

Days passed and the struggle continues. I talked to my two best friends who I know will support and pushed me to go for my decision to give up my travel fund to help that person. As I was talking to them, I said to them, “All the while, I thought my promise to the Lord to give my time, talent and treasure is unshakable but unfortunately, my grip on wealth this time was showing me otherwise.”

It was hard to give that sum of money but when I finally resolved to give it all, fully convinced that it was the right thing to do. With one of our chit-chat, I was telling Him, “Lord, you really want me to have a meaningful and memorable journey with you this Lenten season.” Because this is what this season is all about: to remember and reflect the mission and love of Jesus through fasting, repentance, moderation, self-denial and spiritual discipline. The Lord really test my commitment to Him by asking to give up something in my capacity for the greater good.

Thank you Lord for making the start of this Lenten season a personal and a memorable one. My heart is so full right now. I prayed that not only during the Lenten season but all throughout the season of my life, to always be generous; to not only give the bare minimum but to be give the grace to go the extra mile. Amen!

Finding God in Frustration

I’m a big fan of schedules. I like to make a list of tasks, crossing out each one as it is accomplished. But there are days I don’t accomplish much on my list: I get interrupted, things go wrong and I sit down at the end of the day frustrated and angry at how fruitless those hours seemed to be.

When I struggle with thinking according to the limits of man, the Lord whisper me to STOP for a while, PRAY and be encouraged knowing that it’s possible with Him.

“Lay your burdens down, children. Walk with me, and your walk will be burden-free.”

Do not limit the power and nature of God to our finite knowledge of Him and how we’ve experienced Him in the past.

He is mysterious, yet faithful. He is unpredictable, yet constant.

Till I met you

 

Today, Bob Nicolas release this video of Paul and Toni’s wedding video. And because of this video, my timeline is social media today was like…

Weddings…

Love life…

Relationship…

Partner…

Goals…

This is one of those times that I’ve been facing this question again… when will I meet “THE ONE”?

Somewhere out there is a man. Perhaps I’ve met him already. Perhaps I haven’t. Either way, someday he’ll be mine and I’ll be his. It will be ours to help one another to Christ, ours to raise our children for Him, ours to spend a life of love together.

“My future husband” isn’t just a name for something that will spring into existence when that future comes. Right now he’s living, breathing, laughing, working, and maybe, like me, he’s waiting. Right now he’s doing something, right now he’s in the middle of living his life.

I wish, how I wish, that I could be with him now, doing with him whatever it is that he’s doing. How I wish I could support him in his great endeavors, laugh at his jokes, and tell him how much he means to me.

But that’s not now. That’s future.

Yet he lives and breathes, and because of this I don’t have to wait until later to do anything at all for him. Now, right this instant, I can give him a precious gift: the gift of my prayers.

Many things will have to wait until later. But now, though I’m not even sure if I’ve ever seen his face, I can give him an abundance of treasure. This very moment I can send him messages of love in my prayers for his health, safety, and faith.

Till I met you my love. ♥

AT THIS MOMENT

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I can’t believe we’re halfway through 2015. It’s crazy because I know I’ve been very busy doing stuff, but it also feels like I haven’t done much. Oh, how time flies! And because it’s been a while since I wrote something about my life, I thought I should do a quick post to give you a sneak peek on my life.

READING: UNTANGLED Let God Loosen the Knots of Insecurity in Your Life

“All women want to feel is valued. But problems arise when we seek confirmation that we are enough using the world’s standards. Almost from birth, we are trained to find the approval and acceptance we crave in the eyes of family, friends, and even strangers. The result is that we cannot believe we are who God says we are–accepted, loved, beautiful, and treasured. We get tangled up in the world’s assessment and our own self-judgment.”

I just started reading this and loving the first few pages. I will definitely recommend this to my girls and I’m excited to have a book review session talking about everything I acquired from this book.

REFLECTING: The opportunity to help others.

I feel like I’m just starting to spread my wings on my own but feeling it’s about time to start planning on achieving one of my goals to save the world. HAHA! I know I’m not financially stable so I don’t have much resources and I am working full time so I don’t have much time to spare but there’s this big part of me – the superhero part chos – that screaming “You can do way better than giving food to people living in the streets or praying for them.” So I’m thinking of a way/advocacies/group of people to devote a part of me and make this life more meaningful. The closest to my heart are (1) those who are striving to finish school (because I used to be a scholar too). (2) The people living in the streets because my heart breaks every time I see them.

LOVING: My new place in the city

I recently move in the city because of my work. I’m quite proud of myself because I feel like having an own place means being more matured. I move about a week ago and you know when you get something new and it seems like everything is going to be better? Well that’s what it seems like. Like it’s a new beginning, a clean slate. It’s fun but it can be tough; it’s not glitter and gold, you only have yourself to depend on. The cost of living is high too, but I will survived, I know I will.

CONTEMPLATING: The opportunity to make my dream to travel the world will come true.

When I look at the map, whether map of the Philippines or World map, I can’t help but feel a pang of envy to those who are able to travel. Seriously how can they afford it and how do they find time to do it? Then I look at where I am now and realized that I, too, am walking one step at a time in fulfilling that goal. I make sure to reward myself to an out-of-town or out-of-the country travel when I have time and budget.

MISSING: My lazy days

Super missing those days I spend in bed with my laptop and chips and drinks in my hand. Honestly feels like forever since I last did that. Life is consuming so much of my time and there’s no way I can put “be lazy in bed” in my agenda.

HOPING: I will learn to understand or appreciate the wonders of working out.

The condo where I stay has a great gym facilities, I started to hit the gym this week and hope to do it daily. Seriously I’m not fan of working out but I eat way too much. I felt like dying every time I drag my butt in the treadmill but I don’t want to die young so every day I need to convince myself to get up and run at least an hour daily. How do other people do that? How can they be so devotee of working out?

What have you been up to lately? 

Finding Serenity

Andddd finally our year long planned trip happened!

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Last October, me and my officemates planned a summer vacation in Boracay. I haven’t been there in ages and I don’t remember it being such a beautiful and chill place! I mean Boracay is such a paradise right? Definitely need to go back so yes… I’m back!

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*Obligatory selfie*

Here’s a compiled video of our trip

Who wouldn’t fall in love with this place?

The Reason Why Am I Single

So many people have been asking me why I am still single! Like it’s some kind of crime hahaha

I’ve always wanted to write about this. But I never seemed to get a grasp of it because until now, it’s something so insignificant in my life. But I had a chat with my friend Mizzi and he encourage me to write so here it goes.

So…. Where to begin?

I grow up being so in love with Walt Disney movies. I don’t know about the rest of other girls, and most certainly any of the men, but I never had the slightest idea of how watching movies about a princess having a prince charming and living happily ever after, could affect my life with such gravity.

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Now, I never wanted to be a princess (because I want to be a queen now HAHAHA), but I mean… Watching movies about it as a kid must have planted some idea in my mind that somewhere out there is a man who’s going to come for me with all the male bravado in the world, claiming me to be his one and only, and taking me away on his valiant stallion…

or magic carpet… or a Lamborghini Veneno Roadster ♥

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to finally find that person who is going to sweep me off my feet. I met some men who I actually thought would be my prince charming. (I know I’m too young thinking about it but heeey google says, Disney princesses got their Prince Charming at the age of 17-19)

So here I am, enjoying my status being single while waiting for the person that God has fated me to be with for the rest of my life.

But it was not as easy as it always look… it seems like most of my friends are now in relationship and I was not. And today, I must admit that my sentiments remain the same.. WHAT A STRUGGLE! Haha. And the thing is, just recently I realized that it was such a struggle for me, because everything was head knowledge. I knew that God had someone special waiting for me, I knew that I had to wait and have God mold the both of us into the right people for each other, I knew that God would bring him to me when it was time. BUT WAITING TIME IS KILLING ME!!

Throughout the duration of writing this blog entry, I have wrestled with God again and again for a more rational reason as to why my prince charming was taking so long, then during one of my prayer time He told me (via reading the old journey entry), “Do you remember the last time you were hurt so bad? It’s the time when you mistook someone as your prince and it didn’t work out and you end up getting so hurt and broken.” And then it hit me in an instant, and it was an eye opener for me… That moment I realized that I am still in the process of refining.. that God is still preparing my experiences, my stories, my quirks and flaws, to fall neatly in place align with that special someone He destined for me to make something beautiful. And when the day come that I do get to meet my prince, I’m sure that then, I’ll be ready.

Dear Future Partner

What a very long night for me. I cheated on my coffee diet and that rewards me of being awake all night. I’m trying hard to fall asleep until I decided to give up and just use my night on something more meaningful… like writing.  I’m looking for a good subject to write when I remember my conversation with my awesome bro Dom earlier that night (he’s the one I had coffee with HAHA). We talk about our respective previous “almost-relationship” and how we continue to move forward from it and be excited for our future relationship.

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(photo from google)

Dear Future Partner,

I won’t to ask where you are or what you’ve been doing, because your answer would be the same as mine. Preparing. Preparing your experiences, your stories, your quirks and flaws, to fall neatly in place with mine to make something beautiful.

There might be a very good chance that you will read this blog in the near future and you will laugh how silly I can be in writing something for you just because I feel like this letter is more and real instead of some made up daydream.

I just want you to know that what I’m most looking forward to in our relationship is going on dates with you, I want you to take me on endless dates, whether that includes romantic dinners, road trips, or staying in.. but most importantly, you need to know that my favorite dates will always be ones that include prayer, or celebrating Sunday mass or attending Praise and Worship concert. If we are dating then you know how important my faith is. Jesus is my number 1 priority and I expect you to be 100% supportive with me and join me in practicing my faith.

If you’re the one for me I know that you’ll treat me like the daughter of God that I am. I mean by all means feel free to spoil me as much as you want (I’m not going to stop you) but remember that it doesn’t mean much more to me than a bouquet of flowers or a love note tucked into my book to make me feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I know being a guy can be hard but it really doesn’t take much to make that girl in your life feel like cloud nine. So please don’t forget the flowers every anniversary.

I am nowhere close to being perfect. Please know that you are falling in love with my insecurities and my obsessions with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity; my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my over inactive tear ducts, my twitter and Instagram obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You will fall in love with my troubled past and all my hopes and dreams, and how I’m hopeless romantic at heart.

They say, “when a man loves a woman he doesn’t just say it. He proves it.” I want you to know that I pray for you every day. I pray and ask that Jesus will help you become the man of God that he has created you to be.

But for now, enjoy your life my love, I can’t wait to find you and spend the rest of my life with you.

TWENTY FIFTEEN

If you’d ask me to describe 2014, I can definitely say that it’s one for the books. It was a roller coaster ride filled not just with fun but also with loud screams and cries. It was a year full of surprises and overcoming great challenges with God’s grace. Finishing school last year opened doors to a whole new level of challenges, and really brought me into the phase of becoming a young adult. As I capped off 2014 as a year of learning, I’m glad I’ve started rediscovering myself, realizing what it means to grow up so I hope it all blooms out from here.

 
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2015 is now here and instead of coming up with a long list of New Year’s resolutions, I’ve decided to imagine something more realistic. I’d love to share some of my ideas with you, hoping that they’ll inspire you girls as well! The following posts on my blog will give you a more detailed glimpse on how it’s going for me.

 

GOAL: Learn how to drive and get a driver’s licence.

GAME PLAN: Enroll to driving school

 

GOAL: Maintain a healthier lifestyle

GAME PLAN: Less coffee, more fruits (or fruit juice) and manage my sleeping habits.

 

GOAL: Learn how to cook

GAME PLAN: Eating is fun but cooking is a lot enjoyable. Don’t just eat! Learn how to cook.

 

GOAL: Pursue my calling and begin to focus

GAME PLAN: Explore options, spend time rediscovering my strengths and learn to say NO.

 

May this blog entry be a reminder of my 2015 goals. Have yourselves a fulfilling 2015! x